My Heart Still Beats
by hedgehoginajumper
Summary: Troye Sivan is not your average 18 year old. He is an accident prone, clumsy little freak, according to others. But one accident, a terrible accident, leads to something amazing, something he never imagined could happen to someone so bland. However, sometimes things go wrong, and just like people make mistakes, human error takes lives every day. (TROYLER) Light smut, angst.
1. Prologue

**Troye's POV**

"And now, I present to you all, Troye Sivan!"

Loud cheers are heard throughout the arena, thousands of fangirling teenagers with their phones out, snapping pictures as a tall boy with brown hair enters the stage. He smiles (with his teeth) and waves at all of his fans, laughing at some of their comments. For a moment he stops to think about how lucky he is, how somehow he managed to make 7,000,000 people love him, and how he's lucky to be alive.

That boy is me.

And behind that smile, and all the happiness, that boy is broken. He has nothing left but his seven million fans to live for, not even remaining family members stay for him. And a part inside of him wishes he weren't alive, just so he wouldn't have to live in this world of shallow, stupid people. He wants to be with his best friend. His lover.

I should stop talking in third person, shouldn't I? I know you all hate it, and you're probably all getting ready to ditch this story and find something more interesting, so I won't stop you. But let me just say, behind all of my stupid sayings and random shoutouts, this is a story that will stick to you for as long as you live, and you will one day look back on it and think, 'Wow, that Troye kid has such a touching story to tell' or some crap along those lines.

"Thank you all for having me here today," I say, softly, into the microphone. "It's a real pleasure. Of course, I'm not here to say thank you, I'm here for something so much more important.

"Lately, I've been getting lots of messages requesting that I tell you guys about my life. Specifically, the story of me and Tyler. Yes, you crazy, screaming idiots, Tyler Oakley, my queen. Unfortunately, this story doesn't start out with rainbows and kisses, and neither does the ending. But, despite all of the sadness in my story, these are the years that I will always remember. I will never forget the happiness I felt when this story took place. Tyler made me into a better person, and now, by telling you lot this story, you will learn to be better people as well.

"You see, I haven't always been like I am now. I was once quiet, shy, and depressed. I had no friends to look up to when I needed love. I had Sage, of course, and she understood me and loved me more than anyone else, but I didn't feel like my life was worth it. I was suicidal.

"Okay, lets get this done with. I've been dragging out my intro, simply because I, Troye Sivan, am afraid of the story I am about to tell. In truth, I haven't told it in over six years. Time to delve right into my past. Are you ready?"

More cheering.

"Let's do this."


	2. I Saw You

**Troye's POV**

"Sorry, Zoe. I have to go now... talk later!"

She barely had time to react to my statement before I was out the front door, letting it slam shut. It wasn't that I was mad at her or anything, because I couldn't be mad at her, and I wasn't. Truth being, I was super mad at myself for being such an idiot, and now even MORE mad at myself because I had just slammed the door on Zoe, my best friend, leaving her to think she'd doe something wrong.

I hopped into my little, green Cadillac and ignited the engine, ignoring the ringing sound in my ears. I think it was when I heard the faint sound of a girl calling my name out from behind that my vision suddenly became very blurry, and... wet. (That's what she said)

I tried to drive away from Zoe's house, but my vision was so much more blurry than before! I could hear her cries getting behind me as I swerved around in the wide, surprisingly empty, street. The tires (which we're already worn out) skidded along the black top, making sparks in the road as the old car spun towards a curb, and thudded against the gutter.

Because of the terrible quality of my eight-year-old Cadillac, it just didn't want to stay up. So, after hitting the gutter, with a lurch, I realized that I was sideways. And the window was smashed. What the hell?

"Troye Sivan?"

I heard a voice in the distance as my weary, bloodshot eyes began to close. But it wasn't Zoe.

"Oh my god, that's Troye Sivan."

A fangirl? No... didn't sound feminine enough. Fan_BOY__?_

"Tyler! What are you doing here?!"

That was Zoe... And apparently the second voice belonged to a man named Tyler. Wait... hold it... could it be-

"Tyler Oakley, look at me! I don't want you going in the car, Troye might not want that!"

Oh god. It was.

My eyes flickered beneath my eyelids. I wanted to see Tyler and quickly get out of the car so I wouldn't make a huge fool out of myself, but I felt a strange sensation in my chest that didn't allow me to move. I felt like I was being pinned down to the chair, and I couldn't escape the grip.

And then the pain set in.

Now I know that people say childbirth is the most painful thing a human can go through, but let me just say, I don't think humans would still exist if giving birth was this painful. I feel it is appropriate to quote John Green by saying, _'It felt like being stabbed in reverse'_.

I wanted to scream out and tell the pain to stop, but I was glued down to the leather chair, which was now sticky with blood. I could feel every muscle in my body tensing as I strained to move, all my might packed into one little shove.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't move out of my seat, no matter how hard I tried. I felt fresh tears rolling down my cheeks, the exhaustion of my defeat making my whole body tremble. I think I must have laid there, dead still in the car, for about two minutes before there was another loud noise.

Another crash?

Suddenly I felt strong arms wrap around me, relaxing my brain. Proper grammar? Whatever. Anyways, I felt these strong arms wrap around me, and for just one moment, it seemed that the pain stopped. Of course, it had to come back after a second, making me shudder.

I felt like I was being lifted into the air, but I didn't have the strength to open my eyes and see. I wanted to wrap my arms around this person's neck and just cry, saying, "thank you thank you thank you thank you,". I wanted to see the person cradling me in their arms, which were now covered in blood. 'I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.'

I heard a scream, right ahead of us, and at that exact moment I knew it was Zoe. I heard her footsteps getting closer and closer, until-

"Tyler, he needs to get to the hospital! He's covered in blood, you're covered in blood!"

I felt the man holding me, who now had a name, chuckle. "I can see that, Zoe. After all, I'm the one who pulled him out of a burning car," he said, already turning away. Bump, bump, bump, through the street, then a smooth ride all the way to my driveway. I felt myself lowering, until no longer did I feel the warmth of Tyler's arms around me. I shuddered, and he put his hand over mine.

"Troye, wake up," he whispered, running his other hand through my hair. "Can you open your eyes?"

I twitched my eyes, trying to open them. My right eye opened just a bit, and I lay there in the grass, wincing at the sky. Tyler leaned over me, obviously noting that I looked like a blind man trying to see, and blocked out the sun from my view. And hey, this guy was just as hot.

"Hey Troye," Tyler giggled. "Wanna watch a movie with me? I mean, after you stop bleeding, of course. Maybe we could go to Target."

I smiled at him. "I frickin hate you."


	3. Visions Of Death

**Hey y'all! It's me again, and back with a brand new chapter! Sorry it's been a while since I posted- I apologize for the wait. **

**I have noticed that I have some readers, which is AWESOME! I never expected this story to get much, if any, attention, so having even the few readers I have is great. **

**And sorry, I apologize, my grammar is not the greatest at times, and I overdo my wording. Please tell me in the comments below if I need to change anything, but hopefully I will find mistakes by myself.**

**Thanks for reading,**

**And I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Tyler's car was warm, and smelled of something like burning wood. And however strange it was to be laying in the back of his car, where every five seconds I felt a bump, my brain sorta just stopped thinking about the damage I'd just done to myself, and to my car. Up front, even the lavender-haired man seemed content and relaxed.

He was humming to the tune of All of the Stars, and quite beautifully I must add. _I recognized the street we were on now, as I could see a tall house looming ahead of us. The shackles were falling off, and one window was broken and rusty. Inside, I saw a bed, but the mattress was missing from it. The door to the room was falling off its hinges, and the carpet looked moldy and infested with all sorts of creatures. And next to the bed, there seemed to be a figure laying still..._

I took a sharp breath in and closed my eyes, hoping to forget what I'd just seen. Tyler jerked his head towards me, a look of concern in his eyes.

"Troye, what's wrong?" he said, stopping the car. When I didn't answer, he began to panic. "Troye! What are you looking at?"

I looked back at the house, trying to show him what I'd seen, but now I just saw a blue and brown building with brightly painted windows. I stared at it in frustration, hoping it would change back to the creepy, abandoned home, but it didn't. I breathed out heavily and looked back at Tyler, who now had an eyebrow raised.

"F-fine... it's... fine..." I muttered, looking down. "I just saw... something."

Tyler did his cute half-smile and undid his seatbelt. "Alright then. C'mon, you need some urgent medical attention."

I hadn't the slightest idea what he was talking about. I felt completely normal, I mean, except for the fact I was now mentally scarred. Why was he staring at me like that- like I had just lost my whole family to a tragic car accident or something? I was fine!

"What the hell, Tyler?!" I shouted, emotions twisted. He jumped back in surprise. "Why are you looking at me like I'll die any second? I'm fine! Just because I zone out sometimes, and I get flashbacks, and I cry for no reason, and, oh no, I GOT IN A FUCKING ACCIDENT, does not mean that you have to cater to my every need! Stop treating me like a fucking cancer patient!"

I emphasized the last word before collapsing on the seat next to me, crying. Tears rushed down my face, some into my mouth and nose. I pounded my fists on the leather, choking as I screamed. Choking on something that wasn't the salty tears I had tasted before.

"Troye, stop!" Tyler was crying. His cries were not like mine, though. They were small and drawn out, with no tears. They sounded more like the sound a child makes when they've lost their parents at the mall. He sounded scared.

_Scared for me?_

I stopped.

I opened my eyes, sniffling.

And Tyler was leaning over me, blood dripping from one hand. The other was pressed to my side, where blood flowed slowly from a gash. Frantically, he pressed his second hand to my side, attempting to stop the flow of blood, but that only hurt me more.

"I-I'm sorry, Troye. I s-should have gotten y-you here... quicker." Tyler looked at me with pure terror in his eyes. "I-I-I thought you'd... be.. o-okay..."

I closed my eyes, tears streaking my face, flowing just as freely as the blood on my side did. Slowly and carefully, I lifted one hand and grabbed Tyler's. It was warm and soft and so very comforting at the moment.

Tyler just held my hand there for what felt like an eternity. That was, before I blacked out.

I'm sorry, Tyler.


	4. You

**Hey guys, I'm back!**

**And I gotta new chapter for u little tired teens. (Stop reading your smut and pay attention, Kiz)**

**I'm also tired, so I'm gonna go to sleep right after this. Any mistakes in writing? TELL ME!**

**TRIGGER WARNING**

* * *

Six days had passed since the incident at the house. It seemed like a blur to me- something there bust almost completely unnoticeable to the average human. And in this way, I was average.

Tyler left. I thought he would have stayed with me for a few more days and help me out with the pain, ya know, make sure I didn't hurt myself. I thought that maybe, just maybe, he cared enough to stay by my side and protect me, care for me.

But apparently he didn't.

He drove me home from the hospital after I got my stitches, dropped me off, and drove away without a single word. It kinda hurt to know that he didn't want to stay with me, or even say goodbye to me. True, I'd only known Tyler Oakley in person for about eight hours, but I thought that we were something along the lines of 'friends'. Of course, him driving off without even glancing at me was not something a friend would have done in such situations.

I was laying on my bed, shirt pulled up, with my laptop covering my belly. It felt so warm- like the hug from a loved one that I thought I'd never receive. It took my mind off Tyler, and Zoe, who hadn't spoken with either of us in a while, but only for just a bit.

Ya know something? Something about tumblr and YouTube and all those social medias? I've learned that those are the places where you will most likely meet that special someone you hate, or hates you. And it's never just the 'Oh man, I really don't like this guy', or even 'God, he's such a dumbass!'. It seems to always be that one girl or guy who wakes up EVERY DAY with thorns in their feet and headaches the person who just hates all humans and despises life more than anything imaginable. And it's ALWAYS that person who shows up in your comments.

Today, of course, I had a fresh batch of hate comments. Something any YouTuber would have to expect.

'ur stupid'

'wOw dIS MOrOn tHiNKs HeS fuNnY lOL'

'hahah gay!1!1 lololol XD'

And then, of course, there's always the really well thought out comments, the ones that actually make you start to question if you deserve a life. These are the ones that did, and still do, haunt me. Like this particular one, which could have been titled _You Are A Failure In Life And I Hope That You Kill Yourself Just To Please Me,_ if it were a book.

'These videos are so stupid. I know, here comes the hate, but I DON'T CARE. Troye Sivan doesn't deserve all this attention. He doesn't even deserve happiness. In my religion, we are taught that the only perfect marriages are started with a man and a woman, and that any other marriages are wrong. There is no doubt Troye is going to Hell. I wish he'd just realize that nobody loves him and leave. Leave this word forever. I know that so many people, like his "friends" would be relieved not to have to look after him anymore. Do us all a favor and kill yourself. xx'

And after reading through such hate repeatedly, I begin to imagine a scenario where I was never born. Where my mother and father put one less plate on the table every night, where Tyde was the YouTuber with fans, where Tyler Oakley had never wasted half a day trying to help me. And thinking about it, the world seemed pretty great without me on the face of it.

I climbed out of bed, not bothering to turn off my computer.

'I won't be needing it anymore,' I told myself, tears in my eyes. I took one last look at the door to my bedroom and frowned. It was the same door which was stabbed and slashed and bloodied and broken (seriously, it needed replacing) but it still served it's purpose. I could still close it and open it, and it blocked my room from anything outside. Though it was so ugly and torn apart, it still held it's worth. Maybe I was the same.

At that point, I nearly went back to bed. I nearly smiled to myself and said, "This world ain't so bad.", but I didn't. More tears came tumbling down the great hills which were my cheeks and I groaned, trying to stop myself. But I couldn't.

Shaky hands reached for the blade on the counter. I grabbed it, trembling, and-

"You have 1 New message."

I screamed, slashing the thin blade of a razor across my wrist. Blood bubbled up where the cut was, dripping down the sides of my arm. "FUCKING ASS!" I cried, wiping my face. Blood mixed with tears, and the cloudy red beads dripped thoroughly down my face.

I slashed again, this time pushing down harder. I could feel each layer of skin ripping as the blade tore through it, sending shock waves down my spine. I winced in pain, but I didn't stop there.

I heard a knocking downstairs. Someone was at my door.

"Not now, bitch," I growled through gritted teeth. Another knock. Another slash. Another yelp of pain.

_'BOOM BOOM'_ "Troye!"

I almost recognised the voice, but I knew it couldn't be who it sounded like. I dragged the blade lazily across my skin one last time, watching as sticky, red fluid gathered at my wounds. Suddenly I became aware of tiredness and need for sleep tugging at me, and I, without being able to stop myself, collapsed on my side. The blood was rushing to my head, making me feel ready to pass out.

_"Just let go,"_ I told myself, tangling my sticky fingers in the rug. I closed my eyes, trying to relax. I could feel myself getting lighter, a feeling of sleep upon me. I was slipping away.

I felt something touch me, and a cry so melancholy that it split my ears. Light shining through my eyelids was the last thing I remember from that night.


	5. Surgery

**Wait, what am I doing again?**

**Oh yeah, Troyler. That's right.**

* * *

Hey there, peeps! It's me again, and back with a totally new, amazing fanfic that involves Troye Sivan and Tyler Oakley! I just want to say thank you, first, and not only to my peeps on wattpad. Thanks to the awesome followers I have on , for supporting me and giving me tips on my writing! I should add, I'm not even 15 yet, so technically I shouldn't be writing such things.

I try tho!

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy this EXTRA LONG chapter!

...

It was cold, and dark, and smelled of sickness and blood. I'd never been around a dead body, but I assumed that this was what it smelled like. Or at least, pretty damn close.

I was asleep for a long time. There were so many funny, sad, creepy, jumbled dreams floating around in my brain that I probably could have written an entire series out of them. Kinda interesting how our imagination never tires, huh?

When I finally woke up, I was in bright white room. It didn't smell like blood like it had in my dreams, but more of a lemony scent. Of course, my first thought was that I was dead. Because judging from what the books said, this looked like heaven. And I was disappointed that there wasn't a never ending supply of Nutella laying around somewhere. But, then, I saw the mahogany door swing open, and I knew this wasn't my time of dying.

"Mr. Mellet, you're awake!" Said a woman, presumably in her early twenties. She seemed really exited to have a living patient. Ugh, interns.

I smirked at her, already regaining my sass. "Oh god, finally! I've been sitting here, asleep, waiting for you to come say that all day!"

The nurse gave me an odd look, trying to make out what I had meant by that. A few awkward seconds passed before she got the joke, and bust out laughing. "Okay, Troye," she chuckled, coming over to my hospital bedside. "I have to take your blood and clean your sheets, so go ahead and sit up if you can. Remember, you've been lying on your back for more than four days, so you'll feel a bit sore."

I blinked. "More than four days?"

She looked at me, surprised. I guess she thought that, in my dreams, I was keeping track of the days. I bet she also thought that I knew her name and all that shit. Wow, this nurse really was quite dumb.

Eventually, I tried sitting up. The nurse had been right about the soreness in my back- it felt as stiff as a board. And that bitch was gonna make me stand up. Fucking stand up!

The nurse smiled at me, which sent bullets firing through my glare. Of course, such idiots as her wouldn't notice such a thing, and she didn't. Instead she grabbed a little needle off of a metal tray she had carried in before. I'd gotten shots, and had blood taken before, but this time I was legitimately terrified.

"Okay Troye," she said, flicking the needle. Like in the movies! "This will only hurt for a second, don't worry."

I winced as she brought the needle up to my forearm. I wished she'd given me a pair of earmuffs to wear, because I could hear that little needle puncture my skin, and I could feel the fluids moving through my bloodstream. And she was wrong. It hurt so fucking bad.

Don't get me wrong- I loved having sharp objects inserted into me, but this was a new level of pain. As a kid, I'd always believed shots to be just about the worst thing anyone could go through, and this proved my theory. I mean, c'mon, if birth hurt this much, I doubt women would keep having children.

I didn't make a sound. I just sat there, clenching the sheets with my free hand, trying not to scream. The nurse kept looking at me funny- like she was weirded out that it hurt me so much!

"Mister Mellet," she said, grabbing my shoulder (the needle was still in my arm). She shook me lightly, and I shivered, shaking the needle.

"OWWWWW!" I screamed, pulling away. The needle flew into the air, blood splattering around, and landed bullet-style in the wall, while I went flying off the bed.

I landed on my butt, and I was pretty sure that I at least fractured my tail bone. But I just sat there, massaging the top of my butt while the nurse pulled the bloody syringe out of the wall. She held it up and gave me a dirty look, like she couldn't believe what I did. I just stared at her, forgetting that I needed to get back up.

"Troye," she muttered, quite bitterly. "Come over here so I can restart. If you can't sit still through one, you'll have to learn to sit through two. Now, SIT."

She pointed angrily at the bed, her temper rising. Slowly and shamefully, I stood up and went to stand beside the nurse, who, I'd decided, was of the devil.

This time, she pierced my arm with the needle in a different spot- a much more sensitive spot. But I'd already felt similar pain before, so I leaned back, trying not go give in to the aching and pounding in my arm. Before I knew it, the whole thing was over and she let me get up.

"You can go to the cafeteria and get some lunch," she said, this time a bit softer. "But be back by 11:10, 'cause that's when we'll have your results back. At 11:30, you have a visitor."

I perked up at the thought of having someone visit me in this dreary place. I'd only been awake for like ten minutes, and I was already dreading it here, already wanting to go home. It was sooooooo boring.

"Who?" I asked, trying not to sound too excited.

"I don't know."

Wow, what a dickhead.

* * *

Fade In: CU of Troye standing in line at the cafeteria. He has a blue tray in his left hand, and a bent fork in the other. He sighs in annoyance and looks around, as if waiting for someone to save him.

Troye: This is bullshit. Why can't I just go home?

Troye grabs his arm, looking more broken and feeble than ever. His eyes are the definition of depression.

VO: Tyler's voice echoes in the background.

Tyler: I'm sorry, Troye...

MS of cafeteria. Troye hangs his head, trying to hide the tears in his eyes.

* * *

I got back to my room just a few minutes before eleven, with a carton of milk in one hand, and a Krispy Krunchy Krackle Bar in the other. The tv was turned on, so I sat down in my newly made bed and watched Judge Judy, all the while munching on my Krackle Bar. (To be honest, it wasn't as bad as others said it had been.)

(A/N- I have no idea if Krispy Krunchy Krackle Bars really exist)

At around 11:15, a doctor came in. He had really dark brown hair, blue eyes, and a bit of stubble on his chin and upper lip. He smiled at me and pulled a rolling chair over to my bedside. As soon as he was sat, he began.

"Hi there, Troye. My name is Dr. Roberts, but you can call me Ben, if you like. It seems that just this weekend, you experienced something very traumatic, and should be treated carefully. You have all the signs of depression, Troye, and I would love to be able to fix that for you," his voice was somewhat shaky. Was he afraid?

"I'm going to set you up with a weekly therapist, and I'll communicate with them whenever the time is good to see how you're doing. If we don't get any progress after six visits, I'll prescribe some antidepressants for you," he went on, breaking eye contact with me. "I- well- you also have Ulcers."

This didn't surprise me. It sure explained the blood I'd been hacking up.

"You may need surgery later."

I nodded. "Okay."

* * *

It was 11:29, and I'd gotten sick of watching Adventure Time. I had no phone, no laptop, and not even an iPod! I was so right about this place being a dump.

At 11:31, I heard a knock at my door. My heart kinda did that little skippy thing, and my mind raced with thoughts as to who it could be. My top guess was that it was my mum, and then probably Sage or Tyde, since they were closest. Zoe? Caspar? Blessing?

"Come in." My words were shaky with excitement.

The handle turned, and the door opened, and there stood... Tyler.

He smiled at me, showing his dimples off. I didn't smile back.

He was wearing a black shirt- it had a silver flag on it. I could tell that he came here in a hurry, because he was still wearing rainbow pajama pants and blue slippers. His hair was really messy- not smooth like I'd always seen it. Not like on the day he left.

I stared at him, showing no signs of emotion. He looked scared.

Not the same kind of scared as he was When I bled out in his car, but more of a fear of being rejected. And though I was not so keen to be having Tyler around, I wasn't going to make him leave. And it's not like I could have left the hospital either, so I just dealt with it.

"Hey," he said, suddenly. I swear to this day that I could hear his heart racing.

"Hey," I replied, warming up a bit. I still didn't smile- more or less make eye contact.

"Maybe 'hey' will be our always," Tyler said with a cheesy smile, and I finally gave in.

"There's the real Tyler," I giggled, turning to him with a big smile on my face. My heart had gone from cold and untouchable to on fucking fire and melting into a pool of lava in just seconds. I honestly couldn't control my hate/love for Tyler Oakley. I don't think anyone could.

His eyes were the perfect shade of blue- like a white kitten's. And, to be honest, Tyler was just as pale. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have called him White Kitty instead of Tilly.

"They told me about the ulcers," he said, becoming more serious. I didn't really want to be having this conversation with him.

"They won't let me stay for the surgery," he continued. Good. "Anyways, I know that you probably don't want me around either," Yep, read my mind. "But I just wanted to tell you, Troye, that you mean a lot to me. And I know that I've only really known you for a few days, but I just... care."

Well that caught me a bit off guard!

"Um... Okay... ?"

He made a face like he'd just been bitten in the ass- mouth twisted and eyes popping out. I nearly jumped out of my bed in fear at the sight of that man (who was usually so sexy).

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Tyler said, quietly. He started walking towards the door, like a mom threatening to leave their kid at home if they didn't stop whining and apologize to their brother. Except, this time, he was really going for it.

"Wait, Tyler," I said, holding out a hand. As if that would stop him from going.

"What?" He'd turned back around.

"You mean a lot to me as well," I muttered.

He smiled. "Well damn."

* * *

**How'd y'all like it? Good? No good? Comments are always appreciated!**


	6. Sweater

**Hey peeps! I'm back from Toole, and sorry I didn't say anything ahead of time! I've had this chapter finished for a while, but I didn't have WiFi while I was down there **

**This chapter is really short, sorry.**

**I really just have a problem with dragging things out XD**

**I promise this will get better soon, though!**

**Thanks for reading~**

* * *

Tyler gave me this light blue sweater when we got back to my house that afternoon. The doctor gave me medicine and all that crap, then told me that if I had any trouble eating or anything, to contact him immediately. Tyler seemed really excited to bring me home, and his face was practically glowing by the time he handed me the sweater.

It wasn't super thick, but it was kinda fuzzy, and really warm. It had little, spiral yarn patterns going up the front and sides, and there was fuzz at the seams. Tyler never really told me why he decided to get it, he just kept saying that he wanted to give it to me. Nonetheless, I thanked him and gave him lots of hugs- before and after putting it on.

I kinda wished that Tyler could stay around in Australia forever.

But I knew that he couldn't, and i couldn't do anything to change that. He would be going back to Los Angeles next week- he'd told me. He and Zoe were gonna go to London first and visit some friends, then he would be going back to LA on his own.

I wanted to tell Tyler that I'd come with him, but I knew that was impossible. The was no way my parents were gonna just send me off with some YouTuber that I had known for approximately two days.

"Tyler, can you stay here with me, boo?"

Tyler smiled at me. "I wish I could, Troyesivan. But LA needs me to lead the party, and I can't let them all down."

I nodded, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to see him go. Ever since he'd brought me back from the hospital, I hadn't been tempted at all to cut. Even when I'd seen some of the rude comments on my tumblr page, I felt strong. Tyler was there to protect me, it felt like, and I thought I was able to trust him.

Suddenly he stood up from where we were cuddling on the couch and frowned, his forehead wrinkling. At first I thought he was being funny, but then I realized that he was actually frowning. I looked at him in concern, but he paid no attention.

"I think I should go," he muttered, turning around abruptly.

I jumped up and grabbed his arm before he could go anywhere. "Wait, Tyler. Where are you going? I thought you cared about me." I couldn't mask the desperation in my voice.

He shrugged me off and continued walking away. "Troye, I can't do this. I'm sorry, I just can't."

'Do what? What is this bitch implying? All I want is to be friends with him, can he not handle being friends with someone? Does he have to turn everything into a romance novel?'

"Tyler Fucking Oakley, why do you always have to go and fucking fuck things up?!" I was losing him. I was losing myself. What was I saying? I couldn't stop myself though, it just felt so good. "I thought we were friends! Stop being such a bipolar asshole and make up your mind about me! One moment you tell me you'll "always be there", and the next, you're leaving because you CAN'T DO IT?! Make. Up. Your. Fucking. Mind!"

There were tears in my eyes now, and they were stinging with all the raw anger. Tyler didn't react to me, but just left the house without another word. I wanted to punch a wall, I wanted to break something. I was like Isaac after Monica dumped him. Tyler left for just the same reason she left him- because he couldn't handle it. They couldn't fucking handle it.

I collapsed back on the couch, silent tears falling down my face. I told myself that it was my fault Tyler left, and that I didn't deserve someone like him, so I couldn't be mad. But that only made me more upset.

"He- he to-told me-" I was choking as I spoke to myself. I felt a sob in my throat. You know, the kind that's threatening jump out and fill the house with a melancholy, hate-filled, broken sob? Yeah, that's the one that hid in my throat, and I had to literally pin it down.

"He t-told me th-that I wa-was p-p-perf-perfect."

Tyler Oakley had healed me, broken me, put me back together, and shattered me again. Yet, deep inside, I still loved him and wanted him to love me. Why couldn't I just let go?

I grabbed the collar of the sweater he'd given me, and yanked it right off my head, then proceeded to throw it on the ground and stomp on it. I didn't want to remember what he'd done to me, and if I kept this piece of shit laying around, I wouldn't ever forget.

And yet again, somewhere inside of me, I didn't want to forget. I wanted to remember what Rule had made me feel. He made me feel loved, even if for only a little while.

I stopped stomping on the sweater and turned away, crying. I was like a hormonal teenage girl who couldn't forget about her boyfriend that had cheated and left without even saying sorry. I was infatuated with Tyler Oakley, and for no particular reason. I had no reason at all to want him back.

But I was so convinced that I needed him in my life. I told myself that I was nothing without Tyler. I didn't even know why I was having feelings like this towards someone who treated me like such shit.

"Troye!" Suddenly there was knocking at the front door, and the distinct voice of Zoella Sugg filled my house as she threw it open. As soon as she spotted me on the floor, she was running over. "Troye, oh my god! Troye, are you alright? What happened? I swear to god if-"

"It was Tyler." I didn't even bother telling her I was okay, because I wasn't.

She shook her head and hugged me. I could hear little cries escaping her mouth, but she sounded worried, and, almost... longing. She didn't sound angry or shocked like I had expected.

"Troye, I'm really sorry I brought this upon you. Tyler is usually a really nice guy, but with his illness-"

I cut her off again. "Illness?"

She sighed warily. "He's been sick lately. Not, well, really sick, but he's been having severe mental breakdowns and mood swings. It's almost like he's going crazy. I swear to god that he's not usually like this."

I shook my head in surprise and worry and anger. Honestly, I couldn't really decide what I was feeling.

"Why is he being such a dick to me, then?" I said finally. "I mean, I've been telling him all good things, and then he just gets mad and leaves me!"

Zoe sighed and hugged me. "I don't know, Troye."

I started to cry once again, except I was making noises this time. it almost sounded like I was laughing, which was really embarrassing. I had the worst cry.

"Why do I feel like this?"

Zoe didn't answer me this time. She didn't even shrug, or nod, or shake her head. She looked away from me, her eyes watery. Mine were too, so I don't know why she was trying to hide it from me. She didn't know why I was feeling this way, and she didn't know how to answer my question without sounding rude. But I knew that there was something more.

She really cared about Tyler, and the fear in her eyes was unmistakable.

"I don't know."

* * *

**Hope you liked, and I'm gonna try to update again by Saturday!**


	7. The Club

** Alrighty, I'm back again! This chapter has a bit of smut, so if that kind of thing scared you, I suggest you don't read it. There might also be some triggers, depending on how this pans out at certain parts. Hope you enjoy**!

* * *

It had been nearly a week since Tyler left me alone, again. But this time, I was getting used to it. I was growing distant from him, and my stomach didn't do flips when I thought of him like it used to. He'd been a dick, and my heart had finally realized that it wasn't worth crying over someone so stupid.

Zoe gave me updates on him, of course. I told her that she didn't need to worry about it, that I had gotten over Tyler, but she insisted on giving me the details.

"He's getting better, Troye, I swear!" she'd tell me on the phone some days. I almost believed her at times, but then, an hour later, she'd tell me that Tyler had yelled at her.

"Zoe, I've moved on. I don't even like him."

"But, Troye-"

"I don't want to talk about Tyler." That's all I said to her when she brought up the topic. Because I didn't want to talk about him- ever. I wanted to forget that scum sucking, fugly slut even existed.

Zoe gave me a sad look and turned away, looking as though she were about to cry. in truth, I was just about to cry as well.

I told Zoe that I was fine and that she could go back to her hotel, but I don't think she trusted me. I think she knew that I had cut myself because I was depressed, and she knew that I was depressed now, as much as I hated to admit it.

I'd known Tyler for such a short amount of time, yet he'd placed this little thought in the back of my mind, an image of him that I'd never be able to erase.

I went back to my room and cried into my pillow, masking the small sobs that escaped my mouth with laughs. I didn't want anyone, let alone Zoe, thinking that I was still upset about Tyler. I had told everyone who knew about it that I was fine, that Tyler had only spoken to me a few times and that I didn't even care for him much.

My fans were constantly telling me that I needed to find Tyler and make up with him, but there was no way in HELL that was going to happen. If he wanted to make up with me and apologize though, fine by me.

My phone lit up mid-sob, and I stopped my festival of tears to see who had messaged me. I was not surprised at all to see Zoe's name up top.

'Hey Troye boo~ Alfie wants you to come to the club with us tonight, you in? '

I sighed and rolled over onto my back. Guess she left.

Not even a moment later, my ringer went off again .

'I think it would be good for you to get out, Troye.'

I quickly responded this time. 'Fine, i'll go. but not because I miss tyler'

'Sounds great! We'll pick you up at 6:45, sound good?'

'Oh and Troye? I know you miss him.'

I groaned and turned over without replying. Tonight was gonna be a long night.

* * *

_ I groaned as Tyler pushed me up against the wall, biting his bottom lip gently. He swiftly moved his mouth away from mine and pulled my shirt off, proceeding to kiss and bite my collar bones._

_ "T-Tylah..." I moaned, digging my fingers into his shoulders. He growled and thrusted against me, causing a little yelp to escape my throat._

_ He began fiddling with my belt, not taking his eyes off of me. When he'd successfully removed my belt and pants, I felt his fingers around the elastic band of my boxers. He looked at me for permission, and I nodded._

_ He started to pull down on my boxers, fingers grazing my already hard-_

* * *

"Troye! Troye, wake up, it's time to go!"

I shuddered and jumped up when I felt Zoe's hands on my shoulders. She looked worried as well, her eyes wide and her eyebrows raised.

"Sorry," she said, her expression softening when she saw the fear in my eyes. She moved forward and wrapped her arms around me in a hug, which I returned without hesitation. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered my dream.

"C'mon," Zoe whispered finally and broke our hug. She looked into my eyes and smiled weakly. "This will be good for you, Troye. I know you miss Tyler, and I know that this is all very hard for you, but you still should be allowed to have fun."

I nodded slowly and stood up in a zombie-like fashion. Zoe helped me pick out an outfit and fix my hair, then let me out the front door a good thirty minutes later.

Alfie was waiting in their car, an eyebrow raised as if to question what had taken them so long to get ready. I saw Zoe whisper something in his ear as we got inside the car, and the young British man's eyes softened. I hated it.

I absolutely hated how much sympathy people were giving me. I fucking let Tyler go without giving me an explanation, therefore it was my fault, and I didn't need any of the shit people were giving me.

Of course, I didn't say anything about it. I let the people give me pitiful looks and treat me like I was dying, even though I absolutely hated it. Because when you're hurting inside, you let yourself, and others, do stupid things.

I must have zoned out, because when I looked back up from my shaking hands, we were in the parking lot of a cozy looking building. Some told me that we were at the club, but this looked more like a library to me.

But when we went inside, I knew that I shouldn't have judged the building by its looks.

There were guys making out in every direction, girls laughing and dancing, and the music was so loud that you had to scream at one another to hear. I didn't think that I'd last very long in this bar- not in the state I was in.

"TROYE!" Zoe called from a few feet away. "TROYE! WANNA GO GET SOME SHOTS WITH ALFIE?! I'M GONNA GO TALK TO LOUISE!"

I nodded and followed Alfie to the bar, where a tired-looking guy in his mid-thirties was handing out drinks to a couple of girls. Alfie got the bartender's attention and ordered some vodkas, which actually sounded kind of nice, at the moment.

It was quieter over here, since there was less screaming and more people just making small talk, so I was able to have a conversation with Alfie without screaming.

"Soooo," I slurred, just after gulping down my first shot. "You and Zoeee, thennn?"

The alcohol was already taking affect on both of us, and Alfie stood there, puzzled, for a moment. "Errrrrr, ummmmm, oh yeahhh! Yeahhh me andsss Z- Uhhhh- Zoe!"

My first thought was something along the lines of 'Holy shit, this guy does not take to alcohol very well!', because even I was still feeling mildly sober. Maybe I was just a sober drunk.

After several moments of silence between us, I said, "I'm gonna go dance or something!"

He just nodded as I skipped off into the crowd. It was close to impossible getting back to the front doors, but after some effort of pushing through two fat guys and a couple of slutty girls, I finally spotted Zoe and Louise chatting and laughing at some of the people. I stumbled over to them, exhausted from all the effort of making my way over to them.

"Hey Zoe! Louise!"

They both turned and smiled at me, but this time not in pity. It felt good to be treated like a normal human being for once.

"Hi, Troye!" Louise shouted, running over to hug me. "I haven't seen you in a while! How ya been, mate?"

I shrugged and walked back over to Zoe with her. "I'm alright, I guess. Still dealing with the heartbreak that Tyler Oakley inflicted upon me, but I'm alright. How are you?"

Louise frowned and hugged me again. "I'm sorry about that, Troye. I know you really liked him." She pulled away from me and looked over my shoulder. "He's back there by Alfie and Marcus, if you want to talk to him at all."

I turned around in surprise, and sure enough, Tyler was sitting at a booth next to Marcus Butler and Alfie Deyes, laughing his head off. I restrained from running over there and punching him in the face, which was surprisingly easy. But I guess he spotted me staring, because he smiled widely and waved in my direction. I snorted and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Go over there, Troye!" Zoe said from behind me suddenly. "He's trying to tell you something, and I think you should listen." She pushed me. "Go!"

Hesitantly, I made my way over to the three men, giving an effort to smile. Tyler grabbed my shoulder as soon as I was in range and grinned at me, while Alfie and Marcus just carried on their conversation.

"Sorryyyy for before, Troyessssivan," Tyler giggled. "I wasss stupid, ya know?"

"And you still are," I muttered, looking away.

"What's that?"

I looked back at him. "Nothing. I forgive you."

He grinned even wider than before. "Yay!"

I couldn't help but smile at how adorable he was when he said that, his eyes filled with excitement. I wished that I really did forgive him, but I found it hard to trust the man anymore.

He was such an idiot. He was such a bastard for thinking that I'd forgive him for the things he'd done. I couldn't believe that he thought he could get away with hurting me the way he did.

And despite the fact that I really couldn't get along with him, I decided that tonight would be an okay night for letting go. I was just gonna enjoy the night and pretend he'd never done anything was wrong, because I needed him. I needed someone.

"Let's dance."

* * *

**A/N**

**Sorry this is such a late update, guys I have been very busy, though, and I don't have much inspiration left. I feel like I should just give up on this story at times, since there's not many people that seem to be reading it or anything. But I'm gonna try to finish for my lovely readers!**

**If you have any suggestions of what I could do, that would be awesome! **

**Anyways, hope you guys liked it! Please tell me what you thought of this chapter in the comment section below, and give it a big fat like! **

**TROYLER STORIES**

**(1) GOLD STAR STUDENT by itsonmymind**

**It's a student-teacher AU with some smut, for you smut lovers out there ;) Tyler is Troye's highschool teacher, and Troye is a trouble-maker that decides to flirt with his teachers. But there's something different about Mr. Oakley, something that he can't help but fall in love with him for.**

**IT'S SO FRICKIN' AMAZING PEEPLES SO READ IT NOW! AND MAKE SURE TO GIVE LOTS OF SQUISHY HUGS TO ITSONMYMIND!**

**(2) A TROYLER STORY by troylerforlyfe**

**Something happens between Troye and Tyler at VidCon, and the two of them can't seem to forgive each other. But Tyler still cares about Troye, and he tries to convince the younger boy that he should forgive him for what he did.**

**I WAS LIKE CRYING BY THE END BECAUSE IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL AAAAAAAAAAAAAA *DIEZ* READ IT, FOLLOW IT, AND FAVORITE IT!**

**END TROYLER STORIES**

**That's all for now, peeps! I'm gonna try to update again by Friday, so just hang on for a bit!**

**luv u all, my chicken nuggets 3**


	8. Liar

**YAY FOR UPDATES!**

* * *

Tyler grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me out onto the "dance floor" with this big, cheeky grin on his face. I raised an eyebrow.

"Tyler, what are you-"

I was cut off when he pushed me backwards, fingers still wrapped tightly around my wrist. He smirked an pulled me back giving me a chance to catch my breath.

"Soooo Troysivan," he slurred. The alcohol had really gotten to his brain. "You wanted to danceeee?"

I shrugged as if I hadn't meant anything by it, which I silently applauded myself for, but he didn't really seem to notice. Or maybe the drunken Tyler Oakley was just thinking of a comeback. By the looks of it, he was having a exceedingly difficult time.

Finally, he rolled his eyes as if it were a proper response. "Well, let's dance then."

I had no time to process his answer, as he was soon spinning me and twisting us in circles. At that moment, I honestly regretted the three shots I'd consumed, and I think my stomach did too, because I could feel them coming back up.

Tyler, even in the state he was in, noticed and stopped spinning. He then carefully picked me up under the armpits and carried me off to the nearest bathroom, which was- and I say this only because it was worthy of pointing out- filled with the stench of puke and piss. Almost the moment Tyler set me down, an explosion stomach acid and chicken nugged pieces flew out of my mouth and into the toilet I was sat by.

"Are you okay, Troye?" Tyler asked from being me. I shook my head. That was a really stupid question, Tyler.

I suddenly felt him rubbing my back in circles, an attempt at relaxing me. I hung my head over the toilet bowl and puked some more, crying as I did so.

'Why do I keep doing this to myself?' I thought, choking on the vile taste in my mouth.

"Do you need me to take you home?" Tyler asked quietly, interrupting my thoughts. I shook my head, even through the thought of going home sounded great.

"I think Zoe's planning on leaving soon anyways," I answered, standing up shakily. I looked Tyler in the eyes, trying not to show my weakness. "I'm fine, Tyler. I just haven't been feeling great lately, so the alcohol really hasn't helped much."

Tyler looked down and sighed. "This is about me, right? Listen, Troye, I said I was sorry! I didn't want to hurt you the way I did!"

I snorted. "You didn't hurt me."

"Look, Troye," he said, looking back at me. "I like you. And all your efforts to keep me away are gonna fail."

I wanted to slap that giant grin right off his face, because I knew he was lying, yet again, and he just wanted to see me fall in love. With him. Capital H-i-m.

He wanted me to fall in love with him so that he could break my heart. I knew that I couldn't trust Tyler Oakley, especially not with my heart. Anyone who knew him for even five minutes should have been able to pick of the fact that he was a player. A goddamm player!

"Tyler! Troye!" Both of us turned to see Alfie standing in the doorway with a bottle of beer. He looked worse than ever.

"Um, Tyler, Marcus wants to talk to you for a minute," he finished.

Tyler looked at me and shrugged, walking over to join Alfie. "I'll be back soon, Troyesivan, just gotta see what Butt Butt is up to!"

I rolled my eyes and watched as he walked off, partially annoyed. I know it might sound stupid, but I really hated how much affection he showed Marcus. And I especially hated the nickname "Butt Butt". Like, what was he, five?

I then gave myself a lecture, saying that it was stupid and immature to get angry and jealous over such little, stupid things like Tyler possibly having a crush on another boy. Wait, did I just say another boy?

I felt like I was going to be sick (more than I already was). My insides were twisted, my eyes wide and my legs shaking. I felt like my stomach was gonna fall out of my butt, or that I would somehow puke up my lungs, or that my heart would explode like a grenade inside of me at any second. I liked Tyler Oakley, the biggest douchebag you could possibly come across.

"What the actual fuck?" I said aloud, my voice shaky. "What is this life? Oh my God!"

I ran out of the bathroom, forgetting about what Tyler had said about coming back. o didn't want to see him again- ever. I couldn't believe he'd actually made me fall for him!

I spotted Zoe over by the bar with some of her friends, but Alfie was nowhere in sight. I wanted to cry knowing that I'd be stuck at the club for at least two more hours with no one to keep me company but Tyler, Marcus, and Alfie. And, at the moment, I didn't really want to see any of them.

I went by Zoe and her friends before running out into the parking lot. The smell of vomit and alcohol just wasn't bearable anymore.

When I got outside, the smell of fresh water filled my lungs. The clouds overhead were dark, thick, and fluffy. There would definitely be a rainstorm today.

The thought of standing in the rain relaxed me. I imagined it drizzling on top of my head, cooling me and removing any thoughts of my feelings for Tyler. I sighed, knowing that it wouldn't be that easy to just forget.

Someone's voice broke the silence. Then another. And a third. They were very clearly men's voices, and they were very clearly drunk men's voices.

"I thought you two were gonna fuck!" laughed one of the men, just around the corner. "You were practically having sex- with your eyes! Wait... what's the word for that?"

"Eye-sex?"

"Yeah, that's it. Tyler, you were having eye-sex with him!"

'Tyler?' I froze in place. 'Oh shit, what if they see me?'

I started moving away slowly, careful not to make any noise. They kept talking about sex and crap, but I barely heard them, as I was too focused on not interrupting their conversation.

Just as I turned another corner, unaware of how far from them I was, I heard something from behind me. I whipped around, terrified, only to catch a glimpse of something I really did not want to ever see.

Tyler had Marcus pushed up against a wall, his mouth attached to the other's neck. I made a face of disgust, though on the inside, my heart was being shattered into a million tiny pieces, and those tiny pieces were spreading around me, making it impossible to be completely recovered.

"T-Tyler..." I gasped, just under my breath, and began to move away. He didn't even glance up. "Tyler... how- how could you d-do this... to me?"

Still, not even Alfie, who was standing behind them, looked at me. I felt like I was screaming and no matter how loud I screamed and cried and waved my hands around, no one would notice me. Tears burned in my eyes, but I wasn't about to let them go.

I turned around and ran, gasping for air. I didn't know where I was running, but I didn't care as long as I was away from him.

When I finally collapsed on the muddy grass, rain falling in droplets onto my head, I let it out. I let the tears that had threatened to spill over for the last hour to fall onto the ground, leaving me in a puddle of feelings. I was a mess.

Just before closing my eyes, hopeful for rest, I choked out a single word. The very definition of Tyler Oakley.

"Liar."

* * *

**A/N **

**Sorry this chapter's so short, guys -_- I literally just woke up and I'm exhausted. So yeah, here's your new chapter, and I'm gonna go make breakfast!**

**NO TROYLER STORIES TODAY, MY LITTLE NUTELLA SANDWICHES :(**

**luv u all!**


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